Two and a Half Men quotes
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[Two and a Half Men] 101 - Pilot #146
Jake: If drinking makes you feel bad, why do you drink?
Charlie: Nobody likes a smart ass, kid.
Jake: You have to put a dollar in the swear jar. You said "ass."
Charlie: Tell you what. Here's a twenty. That ought to cover me until lunch.
Jake: If drinking makes you feel bad, why do you drink?
Charlie: Nobody likes a smart ass, kid.
Jake: You have to put a dollar in the swear jar. You said "ass."
Charlie: Tell you what. Here's a twenty. That ought to cover me until lunch.
[Two and a Half Men] 102 - Big Flappy Bastards #147
Charlie: Alan, your wife threw you out.
Alan: Yeah, that doesn't mean she doesn't need me.
Charlie: Yeah, it kind of does.
Charlie: Alan, your wife threw you out.
Alan: Yeah, that doesn't mean she doesn't need me.
Charlie: Yeah, it kind of does.
[Two and a Half Men] 106 - Did you Check With the Captain of the Flying Monkeys? #136
Olivia: You said I was very special to you.
Charlie: You were.
Olivia: Yeah, me and three other women.
Charlie: I said you were special, not unique.
Olivia: You said I was very special to you.
Charlie: You were.
Olivia: Yeah, me and three other women.
Charlie: I said you were special, not unique.
[Two and a Half Men] 107 - If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake #148
Charlie: Alan, there's something you should know about me. When I say "I understand", it doesn't mean I agree, it doesn't mean I understand, it doesn't even mean I'm listening.
Charlie: Alan, there's something you should know about me. When I say "I understand", it doesn't mean I agree, it doesn't mean I understand, it doesn't even mean I'm listening.
[Two and a Half Men] 108 - Twenty-Five Little Pre-pubers Without a Snoot-ful #149
Charlie: So what's the deal with your teacher?
Jake: Ms. Tuttle? She's very strict.
Charlie: That could work.
Charlie: So what's the deal with your teacher?
Jake: Ms. Tuttle? She's very strict.
Charlie: That could work.
[Two and a Half Men] 118 - An Old Flame With A New Wick #424
Bill: I know this comes as a shock to you.
Charlie: Please, if I had a nickel for every time a girl dumped me, disapeared for five years and came back as a guy, I'd have A NICKEL!
Bill: I know this comes as a shock to you.
Charlie: Please, if I had a nickel for every time a girl dumped me, disapeared for five years and came back as a guy, I'd have A NICKEL!
[Two and a Half Men] 122 - My Doctor Has A Cow Puppet #150
Jake: My doctor has a cow puppet.
Evelyn: Really? MD or Ph.D?
Jake: C-O-W.
Jake: My doctor has a cow puppet.
Evelyn: Really? MD or Ph.D?
Jake: C-O-W.
[Two and a Half Men] 123 - Just Like Buffalo #151
Charlie: What do men have that women don't?
Jake: Beards?
Charlie: Lower.
Jake: [in a lower voice] Beards?
Charlie: What do men have that women don't?
Jake: Beards?
Charlie: Lower.
Jake: [in a lower voice] Beards?
[Two and a Half Men] 206 - The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance #152
Charlie: Remember how you were a bed wetter until you were eight?
Alan: Yeah.
Charlie: You actually stopped at six.
Alan: What? What did you do? Did you sneak into my room and pour warm water on me while I was asleep?
Charlie: Yeah, okay. Let's say that it was water, and that I poured it...
Charlie: Remember how you were a bed wetter until you were eight?
Alan: Yeah.
Charlie: You actually stopped at six.
Alan: What? What did you do? Did you sneak into my room and pour warm water on me while I was asleep?
Charlie: Yeah, okay. Let's say that it was water, and that I poured it...
[Two and a Half Men] 219 - A Low, Guttural Tongue-Flapping Noise #15
Charlie: Well, you know how women like you to go slow...
Alan: Really? My ex-wife put a premium on brevity. Her motto was "less is more and none is perfect."
Charlie: Well, you know how women like you to go slow...
Alan: Really? My ex-wife put a premium on brevity. Her motto was "less is more and none is perfect."
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